in the moment of that time, captured by a glossy print, with fun friends-

i can’t help but feel a little of something lingering on

pressing me to pull u back from the embrace which i let u go from.

this nostalgia and guilt impairs me

and ruins my right state of mind

i know all is not right without u, it suddenly feels a lot more empty

but i think somehow i did the right thing

yet in time to come will u hate me, see me as a hypocrite?

i hope that day never comes. but till then, as i do now,

i love you very, very much.

so much so that i cannot help but start to cry as i look at those glossy prints and everything u give

which is all around me, engulfing me, calling out to me.

making an irretrievable slapping sound as they knock the ground.

bending to grab them all in a scoop of a hand

i realise this impossiblity makes me helpless, hopeless, reckless.

the beads lay as they now are peaceful on the ground, without movement,

the few i managed to save now lie limp in my hands.

perhaps if i leave them on the ground with the rest they will seem more at ease

which i aptly did

and though now all is silent, there seems redemption.

perhaps this is what i ought to do, leave things as they are,

and wait for events of the world to slowly pick them up and continue along

in this space called time.

i hope that u can love yourself and be strong. if u do wonder about me, i will try to be strong on my part to but i know u’re doing worse so please go look for some friends or find ways to cheer up..

all of this is sealed up in my precious chest of memories forever and ever in my heart i promise.

today is the 2nd day of my stomach hurting so bad.. suddenly it just got worse in the car!! omg!!

so..

i had to take this.

in the day i have to take 5. at night i have to take 7.

holy freaking 7 pills.

but okay my stomach’s kindaaa better now so i guess it sorta worked.

back to attempting to do essay… i’m so dead. hope i can finish it properly by fri evenin so i can go out happily and enjoy movie. hee. wanna catch Diary of a whimpy kid!! i didn’t watch part1 but i read part of the series at Harris at one point in time during my hols last year… love that book! hee.

lotsa love~

yesterday my stomach hurt so bad i had to leave in the middle of class to go home. i was cringing in the cab. i wanted to vomit when i was walking… my legs couldn’t support me even though i sat down.

that was pain.

Never had such pain in my life throughout all these years. yesterday was definitely the first.

i’m better now.. at least there was someone there to assist me. i couldn’t have done it on my own.

lotsa love.

i’m so frustrated that i can’t sleep so i decided to blog for a while to pen my thoughts before continuing on editing dr r’s essay that’s to be handed in by tmr. i can’t say i’m not sleepy cos my eyes are getting drowsy as it is now… but i just.. can’t sleep. i’m thinking of so many things. thinking of what i’m vexed about, thinking of all the what-ifs. thinking that i always let people down regardless of what decision i make, thinking of how i let myself down when i don’t make any decision. thinking if i will be happier if i do indeed make a neutral decision, and thinking of what the outcome will be that comes after the period of neutrality.

thinking of why i still got to want my friends when i don’t want them.

thinking of why i still bother to care when i don’t care.

thinking that it’s always black or white, but what about rainbow? what about grey? what about the blues in the grey and the pink in the haze?

thinking about the mist in the sky and how going out at this hour would be so liberating. but no, i don’t wanna meet that indian molester. but how it would be lovely to just play the swing, inhale the cool air that comes with the midnight atmosphere. it’s because it’s the wee hours in the morning and i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep because i’m vexed, and i’m vexed… i’m vexed because i don’t have my private time.

i don’t have my private time anymore and i didn’t have it since a long long time ago. when was the last time i sat down to think? no, because i have assignments, i have datelines, i have people to answer to. even my room is not private because it is not soundproof, because my mom sleeps beside me and she nv sleeps till i do.

i do not have any private time because i’m not allowed to go out at night after i’m home.

i do not have any private time to tear my head out and apart because i’ve got to answer to people to whom i’ve been or not been with, where i’ve been to, why i’m going out.

i’m going… nowhere.

i’m not emo-ing i’m just vexed.

it’s been so long since i last blogged. wanna rant, talk about important issues, tell a story, blog about my hk trip of which i just returned from.. but all these will take time.

wanna talk about children’s education too but i need a clear head to explore that. maybe we shall come back to it.

so, just a quick update about my life now:

-hk trip

-learning french and chinese songs

-tip from reading the review of cat lim’s book: to attempt writing short stories first before i proceed on to longer ones.

HK trip:

it has changed my perception about some things and some people. i find that i better understand my school friends now, that’s one. we stayed in the same room for 2 days, hang out tgt 24/7. how can we not, right? many laughters and shopping moments, the time spent at disneyland was also very memorable. i only wished i brought my polariod cam so that i could take and give my friends one polariod each when they took picx with the disney princesses Belle and Sleeping Beauty.

I feel that i didn’t shop enough but on the other hand, didn’t have enough money to anyway. but the next time, i wanna prepare more money.

the next time, i also wanna try organize/go on a trip to Vietnam or Taiwan. anyone interested? really, i’m not kidding about Vietnam. Macau also. let’s take short trips?? i wanna look at the landscape architecture of Macau, visit the trading places on sea in Vietnam and shop till i drop in Taiwan. hee.

we’ll save Poland for another time. wanted to go there for my exchange trip actually. maybe one day i shall

anw, will upload my photos again another time or u can check them out on fb alternatively

-Songs

currently, i’m learning some Angela Chang songs.. at least, recently i had been. fell in love with 2 songs. also, currently learning an old french song called Mon Mec A Moi, by Patricia Kaas. i found that i can sing the chorus quite well with my temporary hoarse throat, product of screaming insanely during the lights-out roller coaster ride at disneyland =]

hehe.

-Short Stories

recently, bought vic a parting gift, a book by Cat Lim so that if she misses singapore there in germany, she can read it. wanted to buy her a bottle of sambal chilli but i think it’s hard for her to smuggle it across the customs. ppl laugh at me when i  said i wanna buy sambal chilli but seriously when u’re all alone in a foreign country, u will think of Chilli.

singaporean style, Sambal chilli.

wonder what’s so funny about it . i think eating spicy food when u’re overseas is really heartwarming, but that’s just me!

anw, back to the main topic, as some of u may know, i’m aspiring to be a writer. but after reading the book review on the Sunday Times on Cat Lim’s latest novel, i’ve been persuaded to write short stories. so far, i only write poetry. maybe one day when i’ve absolutely nothing to do, i’ll write a short story. will develop the characters, scenario and themes fully. the context too… everything. seems like her short stories are still wayyy better than her novels. and i’ve read her short stories before. some of them are really awesome. sadly, i think her books are too mainstream though. it’s catered for popular reading… i think this new book was attempting to move away to explore some of the uncomfortable narratives, according to what i infer from the reviewer, at least. sadly, it did not pick up the way she wanted cos it still fell into some form of stereotype at the end.

nonetheless, i hope to buy that book to read in my spare time.

~*~

meanwhile, have to rush to read some history notes and prepare my history essay plan which is due on fri. momentously, i also gotta do up my speech for a Communications course that i have to present on thur =\

so many essays coming up in the next two weeks too. i wanna cringe and hide but i better face it heads on now otherwise i know i won’t be able to go out and enjoy myself fully this sat =x

lotsa love~

haven’t updated or quite a while! have been busy with so much school work, and trying to learn french. i’ve even fallen behind my readings in lit, something i normally wouldnt do in other semesters..

so, currently i’ve been trying really hard to get back to my readings on time. also quite worried abt recess week cos i think i’ve to spend it doing one or two essays/essay plans before i go hong kong.

also, dont have so much money to spend in hk.. they say if u wanna get anything branded or semi-branded u shud get it in hk.. but i didnt prepare a lot this time round =\

i just feel so tired like all the time. just want a proper break; one day to rest, and one day to catch up with my work. sighs.

this sunday i’m gonna do more work if i can help it. friday too. one step at a time!

~*~

V-day

didn’t do much on vday.. but i’m really quite touched for that day. my school friends gave me biscuits, other titbits, a card, and even a giant red rose. i was super touched! bought them all biscuits too in the end.

dearie got me famous amos cookies cos he knows i love them, got his colleagues to make me a bouquet of roses (so colourful and pretty, even better than real ones!! truly truly! ) , and bought me a polariod!

and they all come together with a cute card!

actually, i knew he was gonna get me a polariod, and i didnt think i would use it often! still, when i saw it, i really fell in love with it!! it’s so easy to use!! ( and it means a lot to me for something to be idiot-proof cos i’m so not tech-savy! ) i’m so gonna bring it to hk with me and take lots of pictures!

dearie said i can make a photo montage with the polariods. hee.

my bosom buddy also gave me a box of ferrero rocher… have yet to open them. hee.

~*~

realised it’s been so long since i last took nice pics of myself!! time to recollect those memories!!

JC Days

China trip w Vic

At granny’s hse during As

— lil veron

— baby vera

Sis and i.. wonder when this was..

Sis and i- korea trip 2009?!

Last Xmas/ Ms Haiza’s wedding

wow it’s been super long since i uploaded so many photos T-T
so nostalgic!!

Lotsa love~

hey it’s been so long since i updated! i’m constantly asking myself if i should delete this blog.. but i think people do still read. so hmm.. here goes nothing!!

got caught in the rain today when i was travelling to my student’s place after school on dearie’s bike. suddenly the heavy downpour came and my flu just came on!! it was so horrible! and my helmet is a full face helmet so there’s nothing i could do other than using my fingers to wipe my nose.. sigh. hope it doesn’t ever ever happen again. i feel so horrible.

went home upon reaching my student’s house cos i really couldn’t take it!! i endured another painful journey back home with the pelting rain and the horrendous flu.. and after dinner, i just crashed to bed. i was so sleepy but i still couldn’t sleep well.. not with mucus dripping down my nose. it’s horribleeee T-T luckily dearie was there to accompany me. it made me feel loads better.. but then again, not really cos i told him abt some stuff and he was sad.

i really dont like the fact that he gets sad easily cos it means i can’t tell him some stuff that i really wanna say without hurting him.. sighs.

but i know he is a sensitive baby. hmm..

haven’t done anywork tonight and haven’t revised french for tmr nor done up the homework. i really really hate it right now cos i’ve so much readings and work that i haven’t done and the stupid flu is making everything worse than it already is!!!

no love~

yesterday 2/2/11 was dearie’s bday and cny eve. went over to his house after french class in the afternoon, and after i had my mac, we ate reunion dinner!! omg i was so full but i still had to eat!! so i really didn’t enjoy my food. i normally enjoy my steamboat a lot de, with button mushroom, fishball and abalone!! plus, not to mention that the reunion dinner at my granny’s hse was quite humble.. sigh. bad timing.

got two angpaos from dearie’s dad and mom. im so touched. they always give a lot *happy sigh* but i know like other years, this year i won’t get a lot. in fact, less, because my relatives from my dad’s side wont be giving; my uncle just passed away. well, hope i can eat something nice tmr ^-^ then, i’ll be happy already.

also aim to read gulliver’s travels and poon’s last week notes soon!!

sighs. work work work.

recently i’ve been bogged down by some stuff but it’s getting better for me. they’re slowly improving ^-^ my mindset too. i think it’s because i got enough rest also. haha. more, at least.

went to chevron on mon!! omg my bosom buddy jacky went too! am so touched he went.. kinda for my sake, since he doesnt really sing anw. we checked out the bowling area and it’s so beautiful! quiet, neat and clean. smells fresh, not many people.. and J can really bowl . omg pls dont ask me to try bowling i really can’t!! =x it’s a game of confidence..

i also don’t know why i lack confidence. sometimes  i blame my parents. esp my mom? but i think it’s a personal thing. it’s just me, i don’t have the courage. i Do have the courage when i’m analyzing things for people, i do believe in my own analyzation, my persuation, but when it comes to my own abilities i always heave a big sigh. but it’s okay.. i guess? confidence is not everything? i can still function normally like a normal human being?

still.. shall work on it i guess.

anw, one of my ny resolutions is to prioritise self more and be more outgoing. so far i’ve been doing it but i haven’t been consistent.. so i gotta watch out for that!!

And monday was my first french class!! today’s my second!! Love it!! it’s getting harder but i hope i can manage. hee.

lotsa love.

Day one of cny tmr.